About Me

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Oklahoma, United States
I'm a passionate God-chaser who is longing to squeeze as much out of this life as was intended. I'm searching for answers and a deeper relationship with Abba, and in the meantime I want to explore my life and myself and other people in every way possible. And it's highly likely that my passion for mixed media art will occasionally be the vehicle I accomplish that with. Stay tuned...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

OVER?

Well, I had thought I would get something on here before now. But I had something strange hit me that I hadn't anticipated. Last week I finished the radiation treatments.... all 34 of them, done, finito. That does it for everything planned by my awesome oncologist, Dr. Toma. And I still feel confident and grateful for everything she has done. So, that said.... you'd think I'd be dancing and on top of the world. Well, maybe you wouldn't expect that but I sure did. So it kind of blind-sided me to discover that I'm basically in a funk.... blue.... low..... yes, depressed. Mentally I know all kinds of things that are true - I'm grateful, I'm blessed beyond belief, I have such a wonderful life, I'm excited to see what all evolves with Dorcas.... but still I've been down emotionally. I finally admitted it last night and felt so guilty & ashamed. How dare I feel that way when I have so much to be grateful for!!! And it was so tempting to hide it where no one could see, after all, how could I disillusion all these folks who have loved on me and praised me for what they've seen God do in my life through all this??? I couldn't steal God's glory away like that!!! But thankfully BIG spoke loudly enough to me that I heard a faint echo of a suggestion that maybe what I was feeling wasn't so extraordinary (not to mention that I'm not QUITE powerful enough to screw up God's glory.... hmmmmm). I text'd a friend and asked her if I was crazy for feeling that way.... her loving reply was no, that it made sense. WHAT???? How could it "make sense"???? So I go online and googled post-treatment depression.... and lo and behold, it's not very uncommon. To quote one blog I read, "We need a certain amount of energy to feel positive. Since radiation zaps our energy for some months to follow treatment, it would be normal to be depressed when the radiation energy drop hits. The good side of this is that we should start to feel better emotionally when we start to get our energy back. Unfortunately, from what I've heard, that post radiation energy drop can last a good long time. ... While we are in treatment we have a sense of control and accomplishment. Remember that helpless/hopeless feeling that followed diagnosis but before treatment started? Starting treatment lifted our spirits tremendously. Ending treatment takes away the structure, the activity, and the goal orientation. Anytime we are working on a goal and it passes, be it having a baby, a wedding, graduation, etc., there is a let down when it is over. The same is true for treatment. When the chemo, surgery, and radiation are past, we have to restructure our lives." Oh. That DOES make sense. And helped considerably to make me feel better. I can kind of accept that now that I know. I remember also reading something that talked about finding a "new normal" once treatment ends. I guess that's where I am - trying to find the new normal. So I risked exposing all this to show you... I have such feet of clay.... and sometimes my prayers consist of "I believe... help my unbelief!" But thankfully God isn't dependent on my pettiness or my perceptions. He is still HUGE and FAITH-FULL and LOVING and in charge of my life. So now it's time to gear up for Christmas.... and Dorcas is still awaiting my final efforts on the paperwork... and life is going on. It's still a precious gift and I'm optimistic that the joy of that is slowly creeping back in. Thank you for letting me be real. I love you!

4 comments:

girl_gone_thread_wild said...

Well, let me start by saying "Welcome back" to the blog world... we missed you! :) And, I thank you for your honesty, I see Ur research helped to discover YOU ARE NORMAL. Ahhh, that's good.-wink- I'll keep ya in me prayers dah'ling. I can't imagine it is easy going through all that you endure, but I suspect YOu have plenty of shoulders to lean on. I can tell you of one in AL if need be. heh

Love these two pieces you've added on Ur blog, great you are creating while in Ur slump. Funny how art is a therapist when we need, eh?

I signed up for Ur Dorcas mailing list, how Xciting!

God bless ya chica, Monica

Mo said...

Oh, girlfriend - believe me, "normal" is NOT a term used to describe me very often! :) But thank you for your encouraging words nonetheless. And I LOVE knowing I have AL shoulders too - thanks!!!

Art is my best therapy... it's amazing how it can take me out of my brain. You'd think I'd try to do that more often, huh? My brain - a scary place to visit but I don't wanna live there!

I love what I've seen on your site. And yes, I noticed the name of the little ornie you gave away - a familiar title indeed! And there are many of us wear that crown. (Don't ya love the thrill of the hunt??? Oh, I do! It's my curse and my blessing.

OK, onward and upward. Or as you are so fond of saying, "art on"!!! God has blessed me, chica - and may He continue to bless you as well! ~ Mo

Maeghan said...

Hey Mo! Im glad I found you on here. your blogs are always an inspiration to me. I love you! and I dont know exactly what all you are doing with those cool dolls and art stuff but PLEASE let me know if you need any help! i mean, what good is being an art major if im not used for something! hehehe. I love you!

Sherry said...

Mo..what you feel? It's normal. I felt EXACTLY the same way. We battle through whatever treatment they give us and then when it's done we do feel grateful and glad that it's over but the let down? It's like post traumatic stress syndrome. It does pass..believe me. But I know "exactly" how you feel..it's exactly what I felt. I finished my rads in April 2006 and I finished herceptin in May 2007...I did chemo, surgery..all of it. It took months before I felt an equilibrium. It will come but give yourself some time to just absorb it all..and remember to feel every emotion you go through. It has to be done.

Normal..we have a new normal. That's a fact!! Bless you much!