OVER?

Well, I had thought I would get something on here before now. But I had something strange hit me that I hadn't anticipated. Last week I finished the radiation treatments.... all 34 of them, done, finito. That does it for everything planned by my awesome oncologist, Dr. Toma. And I still feel confident and grateful for everything she has done. So, that said.... you'd think I'd be dancing and on top of the world. Well, maybe you wouldn't expect that but I sure did. So it kind of blind-sided me to discover that I'm basically in a funk.... blue.... low..... yes, depressed. Mentally I know all kinds of things that are true - I'm grateful, I'm blessed beyond belief, I have such a wonderful life, I'm excited to see what all evolves with Dorcas.... but still I've been down emotionally. I finally admitted it last night and felt so guilty & ashamed. How dare I feel that way when I have so much to be grateful for!!! And it was so tempting to hide it where no one could see, after all, how could I disillusion all these folks who have loved on me and praised me for what they've seen God do in my life through all this??? I couldn't steal God's glory away like that!!! But thankfully BIG spoke loudly enough to me that I heard a faint echo of a suggestion that maybe what I was feeling wasn't so extraordinary (not to mention that I'm not QUITE powerful enough to screw up God's glory.... hmmmmm). I text'd a friend and asked her if I was crazy for feeling that way.... her loving reply was no, that it made sense. WHAT???? How could it "make sense"???? So I go online and googled post-treatment depression.... and lo and behold, it's not very uncommon. To quote one blog I read, "We need a certain amount of energy to feel positive. Since radiation zaps our energy for some months to follow treatment, it would be normal to be depressed when the radiation energy drop hits. The good side of this is that we should start to feel better emotionally when we start to get our energy back. Unfortunately, from what I've heard, that post radiation energy drop can last a good long time. ... While we are in treatment we have a sense of control and accomplishment. Remember that helpless/hopeless feeling that followed diagnosis but before treatment started? Starting treatment lifted our spirits tremendously. Ending treatment takes away the structure, the activity, and the goal orientation. Anytime we are working on a goal and it passes, be it having a baby, a wedding, graduation, etc., there is a let down when it is over. The same is true for treatment. When the chemo, surgery, and radiation are past, we have to restructure our lives." Oh. That DOES make sense. And helped considerably to make me feel better. I can kind of accept that now that I know. I remember also reading something that talked about finding a "new normal" once treatment ends. I guess that's where I am - trying to find the new normal. So I risked exposing all this to show you... I have such feet of clay.... and sometimes my prayers consist of "I believe... help my unbelief!" But thankfully God isn't dependent on my pettiness or my perceptions. He is still HUGE and FAITH-FULL and LOVING and in charge of my life. So now it's time to gear up for Christmas.... and Dorcas is still awaiting my final efforts on the paperwork... and life is going on. It's still a precious gift and I'm optimistic that the joy of that is slowly creeping back in. Thank you for letting me be real. I love you!

What a week!

Whew, it's been a great week. Let's see..... I received two boxes of Dorcas dolls, one from my blessed friend Elizabeth who started all this, and one from my new friend Monica. They are all so incredible and I can't wait to begin helping them find their true identies. I'll have to take "family fotos" as we go along. And I also got some creative pieces done for a local art center gift gallery - each year they have a tremendous showing for the Christmas holidays and it's a great opportunity to sell some art. So I'm hopeful, but regardless it felt good to create and actually have an end product to view! (pictures will be up next week - I forgot to take any, as usual). And my boss gave me a book she had ordered and wanted to donate for Dorcas' library. It's a delightful little book entitled "Any Day with Hair is a Good Hair Day"!!! Amen to that, sisters! It's full of tips for anyone about to embark on the cancer journey - great tips, some I wish I'd known when I was setting out. What a generous gift.

Then yesterday I had to go to Oklahoma City to have a bone scan done. It was pretty non-eventful as far as the actual procedure goes, but I realized today as I waited for the report to come in that I was a little more anxious about it than I realized. I've had an extreme amount of achiness the past two weeks, which was getting worse rather than better, so my doc's nurses felt like we should check it out. Turns out it's mainly arthritis - but in most all of my joints. They indicated it's chemo-related (and also threw in a jab about getting older.... grrrrrrrrr.... ) but we're all greatly relieved it hasn't spread. And while I was waiting for the radioactive material to work its way through my system and into the bones, I got to have lunch and a lengthy visit with my friend Vickie. I got fed way more than food in that visit, I tell ya!

And God has blessed me with so many visuals this week. I've seen a sunrise to rival any National Geographic photo of the Serengeti.... and had my breath taken away by the view of a cloud laying over fields as I topped a hill on my way to work. The trees are just warming up to their full applause (Isaiah 55:12 "For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.") and the drive to the city was delightful. Does that verse just say it all? Yeah it does.

So I'm looking foward to the weekend. I don't have any big plans and that alone is reason to celebrate. I can sleep in, take my time in devotion tomorrow, and do whatever appears in front of me and seems appealing (keeping in mind that laundry still needs to be done... blechhhhh....). And who knows? I might even play out in my art studio and create something just for fun.... Hope your weekend is wonderful as well.